There's a lot money riding on this bet into the (lack of) afterlife in the modern era. To wink out of the world like a light bulb is a very logical and natural idea with all the comfort of a frozen marble slab resting on one's chest. That's not to say that oblivion does not have it's own austere charm. For one, anybody who has had a lifetime of more bad days than good immediately gets back into a 50/50 for themselves as all thought and mood is dispensed with. What's more, who doesn't enjoy the feeling of a pair of shoes being removed after a long day of work? Now imagine slipping free of a tired old body after a lifetime, what a relief! Not only are those tense muscles relaxed at last, they're gone baby! Another benefit of this credit roll is not having to spend the afterlife as a modern art piece if you were mangled to death in a crane collapse. Hello sirs, don't mind my calf muscle touching my pectoral muscle and that shrapnel sticking out of my taint, I'd like my harp and halo please.
Hell yeah! For my money, this is the absolute greatest batshit insane theory to hope for when you find yourself wondering at the strange lack of internal vigor when your heart stops after six dozen years of dutiful beating. Karmic caveats aside, you basically get to hit the reset button on your life and come back and run through the whole gamut again, only this time as a new person whose mysterious past life histories can only be unlocked by the rare talents of carnie fortune tellers and huckster psychics for nominal fees. Anything other than hack, wouldbe writer please, if you're listening universe. I'll take a slightly daft Singaporean heroin mule with a game leg and that gland disorder that makes your sweat smell like potent mating season trout cunt. That has to be more exciting than joyless cynical white man with dysfunctional relationships and mother issues.
- Traditional Heaven
- Traditional Hell
So there you have it. These are the five options you'll face at the end of your days. The definitive list for all time, no changes or errors expected. Pick your favorite and cling absolutely, death isn't so bad. But dying is probably a bitch.